A New WAY of Living in 2020

The world as we know it has literally changed.  Whenever I have a “crisis” of sorts or need to rearrange the thought processes in my mind, I sit at my computer and type.  I free flow somewhat in the way I play the piano — let my fingers wander the keys until I formulate a melodic theme — same with my thoughts at the computer keyboard.  I connect with spirit and hear the whispering voice from our ancestors on the other side or is it my higher self talking to me?  This is what we call “living in the mystery — allowing the eyes to see.”  A lyric from “Take it Back” that Michael wrote last year.  It’s interesting how the lyrics from five of his “poetic” songs created between 2018 and 2019 are coming true in these current times.  I always knew he was a magician.  

With all of that said, I would like to share with my readers the thought processes of my mind from March 16, 2020……perhaps my musings may assist you during these times 🙂  Hang in there World — We’ve got this!!!!!

March 16 2020

Has it happened?  Has it all begun?  Life as we knew it — resting in space.  A space between the two sides of existence.  Is it happening already?  I knew this time would come but I had no idea it would begin NOW.  In 2020 when I am 40.  But I feel so young?  Once blissfully unafraid.  Holding his hand, skipping among the grasses riding our bikes with the wind blowing on our faces.  When our biggest challenge was figuring out which activity to do on a weekend — do we drive to Salida, see a movie at the Mayan, go roller skating or just chill and make music? The privilege to breathe.  

The existential pain.  Coming down in torrents of rain.  Thoughts hovering right in front of the mind’s eye — Is this all an experiment?  To see how we will react?  When everything we thought we knew in the world of “order” comes crumbling down like a brick wall.    You must see through the illusion for you know this is how it all begins in the new world order.  An order of those who cross the path to see.  Unprecedented times is correct.  I am at a standstill.  Not knowing what to write.  Not knowing what direction to move towards — just feeling an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.  Gratitude for the knowing to “stay put.”  Feeling momentum to “move towards something” and always at the end knowing to not decide on anything.  My how much changes in a week.  From feeling the immense knowing and download of “Known Odyssey Productions,” which will become born soon, to now entering a time of “survival” that we have never before seen in my/our generation. 

I’ll never forget being a young girl and having a conversation with an “elder” of the time – a man around my grandparent’s age back when I was a teenager.  He said “You kids have no idea how lucky you have it.  You have never had to see or go through the things I had to when I was your age.  You have no idea how easy your life is.”  I remember feeling a bit guilty in that moment but at the same time a little put off.  How am I the spokesperson for my generation feeling guilty for not being alive in a time when this person was therefore being held responsible for not knowing how to understand someone because I wasn’t alive when they were?  Is that what we do as humans?  Blame people for things that are beyond their control but in our irrational thought processes make them responsible so we can feel righteous?  Generations blaming generations.  Where is the common bond the thread that unites the universal truth?  Diving deeper into the soul of humanity where the real “work” is done.  The “why” we are here on this planet can become a little more clearer in this space.  Let’s shed the layers now.  Is that why this “crisis” of “coronavirus” coming up so we can do the real work?  Let’s say so.  We need to find the positive in this — the reason why — the hope that our world can return to “public events” and unity of the masses coming together in a positive way.  Was our “New Earth” events becoming too bright for the planet that this “disease” is becoming “out of control where everything must be shut down?  So many theories coming to play but we must stay clear of the fear.  The fear of losing control.  Stay vigilant yet centered.  We are here to guide you along this path and know you are never alone.  

Less Talk More ACTION for 2020

Here we are again 1️⃣❤️’s🧠!  How is everybody’s December and holiday season going?  We have been spreading the holiday cheer over the past few weeks through Christmas caroling around Las Vegas with all of our elderly patients including extra sessions at Assisted living facilities around the valley — Experiencing a multitude of emotions and I tell you what folks, I am literally exhausted!!!  Too much human interaction for this woman who loves to dwell in caves.  Even in the pure love and joy we love to share, there is a breaking point of “burn out” as they like to call it in the corporate working world where it is time to go and reset — for me this means my soul is ready to play again!

I’m feeling that all too familiar feeling of being ready for the next step.  I mentioned this in my last blog when I caught my readers up on the past 3 years of diving deep into hospice work in Las Vegas — relocating from Kauai, etc and here it comes again — we are ready for a BIG shift and I mean BIG.  I don’t know what it looks like yet, but it is in the ethers and we are ready to ALLOW the vision to take place in 2020.  It has to do with our music and ourselves — Ultimate Freedom for Known Odyssey — and truly stepping into the full time creating, recording, and performing life.  There is so much music ready to be fine tuned and created that needs to come through and we are ready.

This past month I have seen the underbelly of humanity and I have been doing the underbelly work myself.  Don’t get me wrong I have a love for this work that I have chosen for the past three years.  It has changed me in untold ways and I will forever be grateful for the healing work and human connection but everything that comes with it from the “business” and “corporate” side of death and dying is exhausting.  Can I really continue this pace for years to come balancing music therapy with our musical artistry and Known Odyssey?  That is the question and it is getting to the point where we can honestly say No.  We are ready to take music therapy to the next level through our musical creations of Known Odyssey.  Convergence.  Where the creative spark does not become extinguished from the muddy waters we tread day to day bringing light and love to all.  We are not here to change anyone unless the soul and human want to change.  It is disheartening when manipulation and disrespect still exist in people who have days left to live.  We have been experiencing that lately which I am grateful for since it is giving me an opportunity to truly look within like never before.  What do I want to create for the next 20 years of my life?  How do I want to live my life?

Less talk more action for 2020.  That is the title for this blog and oh so right on in this moment!  In 2019 I came up with the word “Celebration” — the theme for the year and it has been truly a year to celebrate.  We had fun like we never had especially living in Las Vegas where there is so much to see and do at all times!

Some highlights from 2019:  

*Learning and discovering how to become our own sound engineers, videographers and producers: We released Purple Starry Night and Hare Krishna EPs earlier this year:)

https://store.cdbaby.com/cd/knownodyssey2

*Saying YES when we used to say no (going out on the town — concerts, hotel nights, gatherings with friends, etc.)

*Saying YES to family trips — San Diego this past Spring and Chicago for the Strauss family Thanksgiving 🙂

*CHOOSING to be HAPPY — waking up each day with an intention and gratitude — it really makes a difference in my mood and overall well being.

*Learning how to Forgive — This process was HUGE for me in 2019!!!  I can honestly say I struggled with this for so long but forgiveness truly is the key to ultimate freedom.  I created so many stories from old wounds and this past year I was able to move through the stories and embrace Forgiveness by ALLOWING the emotions, feelings, thoughts to come up.  Thank you to my husband for his incredible ability to hold space and understand me when I could not understand myself at all or the feelings coming up to be transmuted and processed.

*Celebration = Releasing fear:  Two weeks ago I met with a “top” neurosurgeon here in Las Vegas.  I experienced another rear end car accident this past October which re-injured my neck injuries from a car accident two years ago.  Gratefully the MRI showed no issues that required “surgery.”  I have a pretty serious muscle strain in my neck that with time, patience and continued therapy will heal in its own time.  That is great news.  What is even greater is this experience gave me an opportunity to discuss a medical issue that I was holding onto for the past 20 years.  I met with a neurologist 20 years ago who spread such fear into my parents and my 19 year old self.  At the time, I was told by this Neurologist that I have an 85% change of getting Multiple Sclerosis due to a lesion he saw on an MRI brain scan and that I should just prepare myself now for this to occur in my life.  My 19 year old self was a music major in college at the time who was practicing 4 hours a day, studying, and just plain suffering from perfectionism, tension and anxiety.  I was getting tingling in my arms after practicing and after a few tests was referred to this neurologist in Pittsburgh.  He basically said that if I have one more “episode” of numbness and tingling, then I will be given the “diagnosis.”  My parents and I never discussed this appointment and four months later my father was diagnosed with cancer.  I refused to go back to this man for follow up appointments and basically buried this “fear of MS” deep inside.  For the past 20 years, every time I would experience tingling in my legs or arms, I would worry and wonder: do I have MS?  I did have an MRI back in 2007 which showed a healthy brain and I have taken steps over the past 20 years of holistic health and well being — mind over matter — spiritual development practices.  Flash forward to this appointment two weeks ago:  the neurosurgeon quelled my fears by his response:  “First of all a doctor should never tell anyone that they “will” get a disease and the fact that you have been holding onto this for 20 years is quite horrible.”  “Based on my assessment of you, your strength is in normal range and I don’t see any sign of this disease.”  “And anything could happen to a person from being struck dead just crossing a street so I’m glad you brought this up so you can stop living in fear.”  Boom.  There it is.  And you know what, I am releasing this hidden fear that I have been living with for so long yet it is still hovering.  I never realized how living with this fear for the past 20 years has hindered my “Freedom” and at the same time has made me so much stronger.  And for me to type this and put it out there is a huge step to Ultimate Freedom.  So thank you 2019 for this year to celebrate to put anything that has been living inside me that “does not serve my highest good any longer” and release it to the ethers.  2019 the year I “Took my power back” — thank you Nahko — your concert theme this year aligns so perfectly with this process :).

Now as we enter 2020……Less Talk More Action!

That is my theme for 2020.  I tend to be a procrastinator and have so many projects in the mind that I have put off until “tomorrow.”  NOW IS OUR TIME.  Do I literally have to surround myself with “dying patients” to understand that life is short?  Here I am giving myself a wake up call.  If my dream is to perform a concert in a castle in Scotland then I will fulfill that dream!  If we want to do a European concert tour then we will make it happen!  No more wishing with one foot here and one foot there.  It is time to take the plunge — we have done it before and we can do it again in our new bright and shiny selves!

And we can start small.  Like cleaning the shower that I have promised to clean for the past four weekends.  I think we are going to start there.  I am off to do this NOW 🙂

Thank you for reading and have a beautiful holiday season!

See you in 2020 🙂

And 3 years later from the desert oasis….

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Well here we are again 1️⃣ ❤️’s🧠.  Man was it refreshing to read your articles today. Your future self needed some re-education and re-remembering.

Just to update myself and fellow readers since it has been 3 years since I last shared any words on this platform: My last post discussed coming full circle on Kauai and I would say that was the beginning of tuning into the “next step” for the Foxes.  July of 2016.  We had a lot of “longing” going on now that I look back.  Longing to have “opportunities” or “excitement” — our soul path was not being nourished or fed in the way that was true to itself any longer.  Whether or not we were willing to realize that we were coming to a completion of sorts for this part of the “full time living journey” on Mama Kauai.

In the Fall of 2016, I had taken a solo journey to the East coast of the Mainland for my cousin’s wedding.  I remember going barefoot in the backyard of my childhood home during this solo adventure and just falling in love with the smell of the air and trees, connection to family, and my roots.  When I returned home to Kauai nothing felt the same and I had a “knowing” again that it was “time” to IMUA (Hawaiian word for to “commence” or “go forth”).  When I made the decision and claimed it out loud is when the voice came.  Which voice you may ask?  The one I talk about in our song One Voice.  Your higher self.  The “soul” voice as I like to call her.  Sometimes she speaks to me in “tongues” or “strange languages” and other times she speaks clear as day — as in this scenario:  “MUSIC THERAPY HOSPICE.” Boom.  It literally was the loudest soul whisper I have ever heard.  “MUSIC THERAPY HOSPICE.”  Kind of out of left field at the time.  This was part of my longing.  I started connecting with my roots and there it was ready to “heal” next.  It’s like I was supposed to live on Kauai to break myself down to the core.  To truly discover the gifts within and to love myself on the deepest level that I have ever known up unto that point of my life journey.  Now I was ready to zip up the superhero suit and IMUA to the mainland to be part of “society” and the “masses” again.  The next part was breaking this news to Michael.  Honey?  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry but we’re being called somewhere else and here I have to scoop you up from your beloved lush tropical jungle life to move for MUSIC THERAPY HOSPICE voice.  Well lo and behold this sexy beast of a man who I am married to UNDERSTOOD.  Believe that — he GOT it.  He FELT it.  Soul mates rock that way I guess as we tune into vibrations together — aligning for a purpose that is bigger than ourselves.  I mean it wasn’t that easy — super confusing most of the time yet the one thing we did agree upon was it was time to leave the Island.  As suddenly as it happened is another story, but we did in fact GO.

Once we agreed to following the spirit voice, everything shifted.  I went online one day to google (yes, you guessed it) “Music Therapy Hospice” jobs and it turns out there were 3 job postings for this exact position in ……………Las Vegas, NV.  I said Ok, Spirit what have we got going on here?  I love the desert especially Palm Springs but Vegas?  Hmmm.  And am I really ready for Hospice?  And I still have to apply after a few year hiatus with no “hospice” experience except as a grieving family member soooo…..  Flashback alert:  Costa Rica 2011:  Walking the beach with a local friend Emma who shared a very mystical “Aha” moment with me.  On the coast of Montezuma, while watching the sun set sharing a sacred moment with a dear friend, I had this wave of realization come over me where I discovered part of my purpose is “assisting in the transition of the human soul.” I had only experienced this with family members up unto this point and back then I was not quite ready yet…

Flash forward to 2016: I ended up receiving an offer for a full time MT position after submitting a resume, filming a video of my musical/clinical skills, and being a part of three interviews all in the matter of 6 days.  I guess when spirit talks…..SPIRIT TALKS.  Come to find out it is pretty rare for the hospice agency that I am now working for to even hire outside of the company so I knew in my heart God was behind this new step all of the way.

This was just the beginning of a brand new start for the Foxes.  For Known Odyssey where we would be finally recording our Debut album (I forgot to mention that was also part of the “soul voice” my “Heart’s mind.”  We appeared to confuse many people at the time of our move since we were leaving the lush Island life of Kauai for the desert and Las Vegas the city known for parties, drunkenness, and debauchery We just knew we were starting a new adventure.

My gosh I have so much to share from landing in Las Vegas — living in air bnb’s the first few months where we lived in a bedroom in a house with 3 girls and anywhere from 5 to 12 dogs at a time.  Returning home to a pit bull in my bathroom.  “Oh my bad.  Didn’t mean to put the pit bull in your bathroom.”  I will have to save these stories for another blog.  My intent now is to catch everyone up on the past three years and really process and integrate everything we have experienced since landing in the desert.  My God were those first 6 months navy seal training for ourselves just by living in new surroundings and then when I touch on the hospice world….no words….damn, has this experience literally changed my life.

Hospice:  I used to literally run in fear of this word.  If I ever heard anyone speak it I would shudder.  Close the eyes in my brain and tune out.  My orientation sucked.  Yes I said it out loud.  We planned our entry to the mainland in utter chaos.  I had 4 days in Las Vegas before starting this job.  My first day my boss at the time grabbed my ID and was booking me on a flight to Phoenix for orientation.  Didn’t see that coming.  I had to drive a car all around Phoenix without my husband by my side after living on an Island with just one small road where I barely ever drove. I was literally entering corporate America for the first time.  What?  The Phoenix hotel room where I uttered the loudest silent scream I ever heard.  Washing away tears from what felt like multiple lifetimes.  Unlocking the repressed grief that I stored from losing my Father fifteen years ago at that time. And then the first “actively dying” session I attended with a co-worker where the patient literally threw up blood as he took his last breath.  Some went on her shoes.  But thankfully I was crying in the bathroom when it happened or I would have had a meltdown right there in the home.  That’s ok. I saved it for my office where all of my new co-workers must have whispered “I bet she won’t last very long.”  And that was just week one.

Well somehow I pushed on through.  IMUA.  Over my first five months of hospice music therapy, six of my patients passed away during our music therapy sessions.  I thought this was normal.  Apparently it is not and my future self can vouch for that.  I am so deeply honored and appreciative to these humans for they helped me become comfortable with death.  With the human experience.  With blessings from touching the other side.  With being more comfortable with the soul voice, the melodies, the whispers from deep within the spirit and mana of life.  The hospice journeys continue to this day and as I write this now, I am approaching my three year anniversary as a hospice music therapist.  I have gone through multiple “rebirthing” throughout this process of releasing and letting go of my own grief patterns.  I feel like now I have embodied the true Wounded Healer and can truly own the Superhero Suit.  If you need someone at your bedside or your family’s bedside when it is your time, I am your girl!

I can proudly say I am no longer afraid of the word “Hospice.”  It took me some time but I  got there.  I have faced my fears and have never felt stronger.  It took releasing repressed grief and creating space for the good stuff to come back in.  The belief in myself that I talked about in my “Doubting mind” post — the ugly “not good enough” voice has been disappearing with each trauma related tear I had held onto from feeling responsible for my Father’s death.  Wow I said that out loud too.  I’ve seen this reflected in many family members of patient’s I have had over the years — especially in care givers.  We tend to say we “could have always done more” or “If I wouldn’t have made this choice_______, then my loved one would not have gotten sick.”  I was there for a long time and have finally released toxic guilt through this process.

 

Our current view from our home in the desert……

View from our desert home today...

Known Odyssey:  Once we went through this massive grief releasing process, we finally started to see beauty in the desert and our experiences — grounding in to the land, etc…. we made the move to a beautiful little condo in the desert oasis part of Las Vegas.  Here is where we have been building and creating Known Odyssey these past few years.  Our vision of recording our debut album came to life here.  Our belief in ourself came to life through this process.  Known Odyssey IS our music therapy.

Known Odyssey’s Debut album One Voice:

available on iTunes, Amazon Music, Spotify, CD Baby…….

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We met our sound engineer at a concert at Mandalay Bay six months into moving here.  And now we have been learning and growing into our own sound engineers and producers.  We have been creating such beautiful melodies and creations this past year and are working on a second album to be released in 2020.  More to come about our music in another blog….. 🙂

In 2019, we finally truly started enjoying life.  Don’t get me wrong I have absolutely loved my life being married to my true soul mate, best friend, lover, partner, and quite honestly my Whole World.  We have shared many life experiences together through traveling and adventures and the memories we have together from all over the planet are priceless.  But in one of our talks recently, we both shared how happy we were.  How we have never vibrated at the frequency we share now.  How deserving we are of a happy life.  We were the ones holding ourselves back when we lived on Kauai.  We were the ones who created the energetic blocks upon multiple creations because of our own self-limiting beliefs.  Oh the stories we create together — they can be epic music scores or horror stories.  The power of the creation of the life you want to lead is truly up to you.  And my gosh has 2019 been our year of celebration.  Celebration was the theme I created for 2019 when New Year’s rolled around last year.  And my have we pushed through blocks and are coming through the other side.

I have so much more to share and will continue to do so.  I wanted to write to myself and my fellow readers — to give you an update over the past three years of my self discoveries and “soul” work.  If I can leave any of you with a take away it is this:

“It is safe to trust yourself.  Embrace your emotions.  Listen to the voice within — your inner knowing, your intuition — For we are all truly on our own Known Odyssey. ”               –Carrie Fox

Celebrating Life ~ A week of Epiphanies and Anniversaries

Part 1

How to start this blog?  I have been sitting here with way too many thoughts coming as my Yoga teacher in India would say.  Every morning as we arrived for early morning meditation and mantra class without fail, Dr. Yoga Teacher rushed into room dropping keys and throwing his man bag down in the not-so-graceful way one might expect from an “Indian Guru.”  All he would say as he looked at each aspiring soul-searching yogi was  “Thoughts coming?” ….(awkward pause as we wait for response from each student)…..and finally the few words our class actually understood: “No Monkey Mind; No Thoughts Coming.”

Today marks our two-year anniversary of landing on Kauai and here I sit in my new home on the Island celebrating Life and at the same time reflecting on a multitude of moments, memories, and experiences that have shaped this adventurous human’s life these past few years.

Adventurous Human…..I like the ring of that.  I mean, thinking about all of the life experiences I have encountered especially since meeting my husband and the many soul journeys we have taken together that led us all over the Globe, it’s like we have lived a thousand lifetimes in just 8 years of marriage….which brings me to the other celebration that happened this week:  8 years of married life celebrated on June 28, 2016!

Alright “Thoughts Coming” where are you leading me to now?  To discuss our adventurous journeys throughout marriage, or the past two years in Kauai?  Part of my process at the moment is being hypnotized by this astounding view that is right outside my kitchen window which makes it somewhat difficult for this energetic being to ground in and focus at times…..but I’ll take the A.D.D any day to be surrounded by the “lushness” of DSC00019

this Land………this photo is of the Kalalea Mountain Valley on a rainy day — it doesn’t really do justice to the actual view.  I find myself staring at the point but really seeing an amethyst crystal point.  When I first moved here I called her Amethyst mountain not knowing the true Hawaiian name until we recently moved into our new home at the beginning of June.

Reflecting on all of the gifts I/We have received since arriving on this wondrous Island in the middle of the sea ~ a place I never knew existed until my husband said “It’s time, we’re moving to Hawaii.”  ME:  “Hawaii?  It’s real?  People go there, listen to ukulele music, dance the Hukilau, drink Mai Tais, celebrate their honeymoon or anniversary, and come back with a little bit of a tan.  Plus it’s so far away and really expensive!”  As much as I hate to admit it, Yes, I was one of “Those People” ~  I would close my eyes and visualize Hawaii, and it was like a black hole in my mind….the human mind had no concept of Hawaii……seriously, at my Grandmother’s funeral I spoke with my cousin who lives on Oahu (where Honolulu is in case you were wondering) who had to explain the 8 main Islands that make up the “state” of Hawaii……..And then one day, I started looking at pictures of Kauai with my husband, and something began happening ~ (New Age alert but I assure you this really happened) ~ I started remembering…..the mountain vistas, the ocean shore, tingles all over my arms, (that is how I know my soul is screaming by the tingles all over my body) and my heart and mind had the confirmation: “this is where you need to be for a while; to live, experience, and grow”.  Once I received that confirmation, I knew it was time.  When we arrived here two years ago today, the smell of the air, the humidity like I have never experienced, I knew I had walked these Lands.  Everything was familiar even though I had never visited Hawaii before.  I can’t get over the familiarity of it!  I am going back now in my mind two years ago and remembering the drive from the airport where our first friend picked us up — piling in his little jeep with 5 suitcases and two carry ons — all that consisted of our belongings.  Driving down the road with the ocean breeze in my hair.  I knew I had been here before. Everything was familiar — how do you explain that?

And now two years later, it feels like we have come Full Circle.  This has been a major week of reflection between my husband and myself.  All of the phenomenal life lessons that we experienced together for we are not those same people who Landed here two years ago.  We have shed many a layer and are shining brighter than before.  The knowing that it is OKAY to SHINE!  The Musical Tones and Artistry that I never knew before.  The beautiful souls we have been blessed to meet and create together.  From being a Music Teacher to Music Director; Drum Workshop Facilitator to Musical Artist/Performer; Writer, Blogger, Music Score Creator; from Kauai Zapp to Known Odyssey.  Learning the true meaning of ALOHA and Ho’oponopono.  The Way of the Land.  The many experiences we have created and been a part of just blow my mind.  Activating the ancient memories of the heart ~ this Land has changed my Life in a multitude of ways.  This adventurous human is so grateful she made the Leap of Faith two years ago today and will continue to do so with and open heart and the gift of each new day.

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Photo taken two years ago a day after we arrived:

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And Now: Two Years Later when we moved into our new home

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ALOHA! 🙂

 

 

 

Is it okay? Are you sure? Bye Bye doubting mind.

These past few months have been a time of deep reflection —  some of you may relate to the BIG questions we ask ourselves when we dive deep into this experience we call LIFE, Human Experience, or School of Life.   Who Am I?  What is My Purpose?  Is it okay to live my life a certain way and not what is expected of me from society and how I was raised?    Yes, these are the questions that I observe on a daily basis– over there — not fully in my head; and as I am writing this I am shaking my head saying, Girl wake up!

I am finding myself giving permission to ME on a daily basis to just BE….I am my own prisoner — constantly in a dialogue with myself every day — am I doing enough?  Am I really living on this beautiful Island?  Am I really a Musical Artist?  Does my voice really sound like an Angel that I have had people tell me on a regular basis for the past few months?  How is this possible? Am I really talented?

When we moved here almost two years ago, our intention was to create our Music Therapy business here. That is what I went to school for and that is all I have ever known since I graduated at 22 years old.  Well the world that I was living in in Denver has not shown itself to me here and that is okay.  What I am learning after being here is that Mama Kauai has other plans for the Foxes.  For us to discover the musical gifts within.  I have always been running — not knowing how to accept the gifts from Spirit or God that lies within.

This is the first time in my life where I feel naked and man have the tears been shedding.  I have always felt safe in my crab shell of identity — of career, business owner, wife, daughter, musician, therapist.  And here I am constantly shedding the layers of old and giving into the birthing pains of the new.

I have always been in doubt of myself as a human being and that is not okay anymore.  The big one being my ability as a musician or “artist.”  I will never forget the first time I entered a recording studio for a trial run at a demo in 2012.  Someone walking by said “are you the artists today?”  and I literally froze like a deer in headlights.  Artists?  Me?  The sound engineer goes, yep, these are the artists recording a few tracks today.  “Oh I guess I am” was my reaction as I gave my little nervous laugh when I am uncomfortable by any kind of recognition.

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So here I am again — living on Kauai and getting to know myself over and over AGAIN.  I have learned that I am a very empathic person and have always been from the time I was a small child.  I learned as a little girl that I can be good at music, but don’t be too good because you don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable.  The human ego is a tough one for me and it always has been.  I know that I am not the most technically trained pianist in the world; but I know that my music comes from a place of pure source and for that I am grateful beyond existence.

Yesterday I shared an original piano composition I created based on a theme Michael played on the guitar a few months ago.  It was my first time ever performing a solo original piano piece in front of an audience.  It was my first time with piano only as I am used to singing or playing with Michael on voice, guitar, or native flute.  Wow did it shake me — mainly because the piano is my heart.  It is the foundation of our music — the vocals from spirit and the piano my core.  Sharing this solo piece was me putting myself out there on a much deeper level and wow did it shake me afterwards.  The empathic part of me being hypersensitive; the doubting mind kicking in with as many ugly words towards myself as I could muster.  In the long run, I am so grateful to have had this experience in order to observe my past coming up, catching it and now saying goodbye.  Michael sat me down to watch the performance back a few hours later and he said — “You will watch and listen to this person play the piano as if you do not know her.”  And that was the best advice he could have given me.  I did watch her play and I have to admit I am so proud of her.  She played with such emotion and feeling and I truly heard the music and story she was telling — and better yet, I am in awe of her courage — for putting herself out there for all to witness — to witness her inner core slowly peeking out the window and gliding through her fingertips with ease and grace.  I also saw her run away as soon as the piece was over as the silence was so overwhelming and the voice in her mind so loud with criticism — vulnerability at its core.

I am ready.  I am ready to be free of the doubting mind.  The critical mind.  The mind that says “I am not good enough.”  The outside voice that whispers “How can you live here — do you really deserve it?”  I am ready to stand tall and be free of that mind.  I am ready to fully embrace my life more than I already have.  To live each day like it is my last — to RECEIVE this beautiful tropical air into my lungs thinking how grateful I am to take this breath.  Gratitude is key.  Gratitude without guilt is even better.  Gratitude for the air I breathe, and then boom ‘what about the people in Beijing that have to buy air because the air there is too smoggy and toxic’ — I mean really, will this mind ever be at ease?  All in good time.  All in good time.

From Celebrity Sightings to 13 Years (a memoir)

Moments.  Life is a series of moments — one after the other; one moment to the next.  This past June I met Craig T. Nelson at a local juice bar in Hanalei.  He was just hanging out waiting for his smoothie and here my husband backs into a parking spot where we are staring directly at Craig T. Nelson — Husband hits me on the arm saying  “Isn’t that the guy from the show you like?”  And needless to say I jump out of the car and make a glorious fool of myself as I ask straight up “Excuse me are you Craig T. Nelson?” (emphasis on the “T”)  His response:  “Why yes I am” (in that low drawl of  Zeek Braverman).  We had a sweet five minute conversation, pictures taken, and just like that life became a little more exciting after meeting an actor I equated to my childhood — memories of watching the TV show “Coach” with my family when life was a bit more simple and complete.

Of course my brain started spouting off random facts to my husband the minute we sat back down in the car.   “Just think, if we would have stayed any later at school that never would have happened”  or “What if Craig T. Nelson decided to NOT get a smoothie, well then that never would have happened either!”  (Okay so that last point is not so brilliant, but I think you get my point).  So many factors come into play for one moment to happen — whether it be random meetings with people who are celebrities, old friends, new friends, or strangers you keep seeing wherever you go — and here on a small Island that happens quite often.

I also need to mention our random/divine encounter with Michael Jackson’s kids as we happened to run into them at Michael’s childhood home in Gary, IN.  Prince, Blanket, and the gang just happened to be speaking with the few fans that were outside the house for about ten minutes before heading to a charity concert.  Here is another example of factors playing into moments that shape life (i.e. stopping for gas, leaving the hotel at the perfect moment, speed of car, etc.) all leading us to rolling up to his house on  Jackson Street at the perfect time.  I mean really — whoever thought his kids would be in Gary, IN on a Friday afternoon in August?  And why would WE be driving around Gary, Indiana in the first place?  Well, this subject could be a whole other story for another time.

I wonder if anyone else gives as much thought to this subject as I do — how one small moment can change a person’s life forever.  We never know how powerful one moment can be until we look back at our life and look at the sequence of events that took place from that one moment on.

February of this next year will be 14 years since I lost my Father.  I can honestly say that losing my Dad at 22 years old was a HUGE moment that shaped not only who I have become but how I lead my life.  I was becoming a “seeker of life” about a year before his diagnosis….seems to be an effect college has on certain individuals….however, throughout his illness and later death, I began my quest for answers in all modalities.  This past Father’s Day was a particular hard one for me as I came to the realization that it took 13 years for me to fully grieve my Father’s Death.  Repressed memories, emotions, stories, came flooding out of me that were super healing but extremely difficult to remember.  On this day in particular, I decided that it was time to tell my story about this time of my life in hopes that it will help ease whatever residual grief is still there…..I wonder if it ever goes away.

Earlier I was speaking of Moments and here is the beginning — the preface actually — of a Memoir I began writing called  13 Years.  It speaks of the Moment I knew nothing would ever be the same.  I wrote this around Father’s Day of 2015…….

Preface of 13 Years

It was a sunny Thursday afternoon on a crisp spring day in April.  I was walking down Court Street planning to get a bagel before my next class.  I was loving the weather and didn’t have a care in the world; well, in that moment at least.  

Five days ago you could find me celebrating my first passage into adulthood — it was the final day of a retreat spent with 20 something year old college students searching for something more.  I guess in a way it prepared me for how I was going to live the rest of my adult life.  I found myself sharing stories about myself that I never told anyone else. I made new friends, received beautiful heart felt letters from my family, and came away from this retreat refreshed, renewed, and with a new found sense of who I was becoming.

Here it was the beginning of Junior Year-Spring Quarter of college, and that Monday evening after I returned home, I get a call from my Mom that little did I know was going to set the stage for the rest of life in motion.  The conversation went something like this:

“Hi Honey, How was your retreat?” she says in an upbeat tone.

“It was great Mom — thank you for your beautiful letters!  I met so many awesome people and have so much to tell you…..”  

“Oh I am so happy for you sweetheart but before you tell us more I have to tell you something — your father is in the hospital.”

“What?”

“Oh but you know he is going to be fine! The doctors think he has a gall stone and don’t worry I will keep you updated.  You just go ahead and study hard and don’t worry about us here.”

“Oh Mom I am so sorry — tell him I love him and is this serious?”

“Oh Honey don’t worry — nothing will ever happen to your Father.”

And there it was.  The famous statement that haunts me to this day.  I can still hear my Mother’s voice on the phone telling me not to worry and “Nothing will ever happen to your Father.”

Then came Tuesday.  I went through my college student routine that I had mastered from day one and when I got home that evening I received a phone call that my Dad was still in the hospital only this time it was some kind of cyst on his kidney, liver, or something.  I am still unsure to this day what my Mom said on the phone; what I do know is that her tone of voice was much more serious even though I still received the reassurance that he was going to be okay.

Wednesday passed without incident.  No calls from home and I went about my school work.  The thoughts of family not too far behind me yet I was still able to be my silly 20 year old self.  Thinking back at it now, I guess I was just in denial because nothing like this ever happened to my family before and all I knew was to go through the motions.

And here it is that fateful Thursday in April of the year 2000 — a day that changed everything.  Keep in mind this is the day before cell phones and friends had to track each other down or wait to get home to use the phone to get in touch.  You can imagine my surprise when I see my roommate running down the street to tell me my friend’s Mom and other friend’s brother are on their way driving three and a half hours to come get me from school.  I had no idea when I was going to come back.  

I guess you could say that this was the moment I knew nothing in my life would ever be the same again.

Aloha….Nice to Meet you.

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Today is the day.  December 18th, 2015….a day unlike any other day in the world of Carrie Fox…..a day where she made her presence known in the internet world of bloggers.  Hello! Aloha…..nice to meet you!

Welcome to my first blog.  I have been writing many musings…one unlike the other…for a year and a half now and today the inner voice inside my head led me to this site and here we are…..artist blogger central.

Aloha….Nice to meet you.  A phrase I find myself being spoken to me from me since I arrived on the Garden Island in July 2014.  July 2014 — A time where everything I thought I knew about myself, identity, attachments, etc. flew out the window as my husband and I sold everything we had and moved to the beautiful Island of Kauai without ever setting foot on the Hawaiian Islands.  Some have called this a calling; others idiotic……looking back now I call it life leading life.  Living life guided by my heart’s mind.

Here I will share stories of my journey through life from childhood memories to moments that have shaped the way I lead my life — a life dedicated to Listening — listening to my inner voice.  An inner voice that speaks in a whisper that one may call God or Spirit.  We all have this voice if we choose to listen.  (More to come on this subject later) 🙂

Aloha…..Nice to meet you.  Getting to know the many versions of myself more intensely over the past year and a half although it truly began when I met my husband and we began our journey through life together.  And today I am getting to know a new version of myself by creating a space for the World to see by sharing my “story.”

So stay tuned for a wild variety of new blog posts to come as I have many stories to share from random life moments – traveling the world – mystical – star planet stories and beyond…….this woman does not lead an ordinary life and it is time to come out of the cave to share the human experience. 🙂

See you soon!!!!

— Carrie 🙂