Is it okay? Are you sure? Bye Bye doubting mind.

These past few months have been a time of deep reflection —  some of you may relate to the BIG questions we ask ourselves when we dive deep into this experience we call LIFE, Human Experience, or School of Life.   Who Am I?  What is My Purpose?  Is it okay to live my life a certain way and not what is expected of me from society and how I was raised?    Yes, these are the questions that I observe on a daily basis– over there — not fully in my head; and as I am writing this I am shaking my head saying, Girl wake up!

I am finding myself giving permission to ME on a daily basis to just BE….I am my own prisoner — constantly in a dialogue with myself every day — am I doing enough?  Am I really living on this beautiful Island?  Am I really a Musical Artist?  Does my voice really sound like an Angel that I have had people tell me on a regular basis for the past few months?  How is this possible? Am I really talented?

When we moved here almost two years ago, our intention was to create our Music Therapy business here. That is what I went to school for and that is all I have ever known since I graduated at 22 years old.  Well the world that I was living in in Denver has not shown itself to me here and that is okay.  What I am learning after being here is that Mama Kauai has other plans for the Foxes.  For us to discover the musical gifts within.  I have always been running — not knowing how to accept the gifts from Spirit or God that lies within.

This is the first time in my life where I feel naked and man have the tears been shedding.  I have always felt safe in my crab shell of identity — of career, business owner, wife, daughter, musician, therapist.  And here I am constantly shedding the layers of old and giving into the birthing pains of the new.

I have always been in doubt of myself as a human being and that is not okay anymore.  The big one being my ability as a musician or “artist.”  I will never forget the first time I entered a recording studio for a trial run at a demo in 2012.  Someone walking by said “are you the artists today?”  and I literally froze like a deer in headlights.  Artists?  Me?  The sound engineer goes, yep, these are the artists recording a few tracks today.  “Oh I guess I am” was my reaction as I gave my little nervous laugh when I am uncomfortable by any kind of recognition.

So here I am again — living on Kauai and getting to know myself over and over AGAIN.  I have learned that I am a very empathic person and have always been from the time I was a small child.  I learned as a little girl that I can be good at music, but don’t be too good because you don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable.  The human ego is a tough one for me and it always has been.  I know that I am not the most technically trained pianist in the world; but I know that my music comes from a place of pure source and for that I am grateful beyond existence.

Yesterday I shared an original piano composition I created based on a theme Michael played on the guitar a few months ago.  It was my first time ever performing a solo original piano piece in front of an audience.  It was my first time with piano only as I am used to singing or playing with Michael on voice, guitar, or native flute.  Wow did it shake me — mainly because the piano is my heart.  It is the foundation of our music — the vocals from spirit and the piano my core.  Sharing this solo piece was me putting myself out there on a much deeper level and wow did it shake me afterwards.  The empathic part of me being hypersensitive; the doubting mind kicking in with as many ugly words towards myself as I could muster.  In the long run, I am so grateful to have had this experience in order to observe my past coming up, catching it and now saying goodbye.  Michael sat me down to watch the performance back a few hours later and he said — “You will watch and listen to this person play the piano as if you do not know her.”  And that was the best advice he could have given me.  I did watch her play and I have to admit I am so proud of her.  She played with such emotion and feeling and I truly heard the music and story she was telling — and better yet, I am in awe of her courage — for putting herself out there for all to witness — to witness her inner core slowly peeking out the window and gliding through her fingertips with ease and grace.  I also saw her run away as soon as the piece was over as the silence was so overwhelming and the voice in her mind so loud with criticism — vulnerability at its core.

I am ready.  I am ready to be free of the doubting mind.  The critical mind.  The mind that says “I am not good enough.”  The outside voice that whispers “How can you live here — do you really deserve it?”  I am ready to stand tall and be free of that mind.  I am ready to fully embrace my life more than I already have.  To live each day like it is my last — to RECEIVE this beautiful tropical air into my lungs thinking how grateful I am to take this breath.  Gratitude is key.  Gratitude without guilt is even better.  Gratitude for the air I breathe, and then boom ‘what about the people in Beijing that have to buy air because the air there is too smoggy and toxic’ — I mean really, will this mind ever be at ease?  All in good time.  All in good time.